If you’re reading this while your child is having a meltdown, you’ve just dealt with a school crisis, or you’re lying awake at 2am worrying about your child’s future, this article is for you. As parents of children with additional needs, we’re often stuck in what feels like permanent survival mode – constantly ‘on’, rarely getting a moment to ourselves, and feeling like we’re drowning in the demands of supporting our children. But here’s what I’ve learned through my own journey as a parent of an autistic PDA child and through studying nervous system regulation: there are quick, evidence-based techniques that can help us move from stressed back to a place where we can think clearly, respond rather than react, and actually be the parent we want to be.
Understanding the nervous system states
Your autonomic nervous system is constantly scanning for threat and safety. When you’re parenting a disabled child, your nervous system can become stuck in overdrive, reacting to everything as though it poses a huge threat. There are three nervous system states:
Fight or flight: Can manifest as racing thoughts, feeling wired but tired, struggling to sit still, shallow breathing, and a constant sense of urgency even when no emergency exists.
Freeze or shutdown: Might present as feeling disconnected from your body, emotional numbness, overwhelming fatigue, or a sense of helplessness where everything feels impossible.
Rest and digest (regulation): When you can think clearly, feel connected to yourself and others, have energy and options, and breathe deeply and naturally.
The goal isn’t to stay calm all the time – we need a certain level of stress each day. Instead, we want to develop the ability to move between these states smoothly and return to regulation more quickly.
Why do many SEND parents struggle with dysregulation?
Through my work with parents in my Parent Carer Cheerleading Squad community, I hear the same challenges repeatedly: lack of time for self-care, constant overwhelm, managing challenging behaviours, isolation, sleep deprivation, and worry about our children’s futures. These aren’t just parenting stresses – they’re chronic stressors that keep our nervous systems in a state of hypervigilance.
When we’re chronically stressed, our nervous systems become more protective, shifting us into anxiety faster and losing the ability to move smoothly between states. We can get stuck in defensive states, but the good news is that we can help our nervous systems move out of them.
Note: If you have a history of trauma or underlying health conditions, please consult your GP before trying any of these techniques.
These activities are designed around the realities of SEN family life – they can be done in just five minutes, with or without your child in tow.
1. Cold water reset
This technique activates your body’s relaxation response, quickly shifting you out of fight or flight mode.
Run cold water over your wrists for 30 seconds, or splash cold water on your face
Hold a cold drink against your chest or neck
Even sucking on an ice cube works
2. Posture shifts
Your brainstem reads your posture as information about safety or threat. If you’re in fight or flight, try moving from standing to sitting, or sitting to lying down. This naturally lowers your blood pressure and heart rate, sending safety signals to your brain.
3. Wall pushing
When you feel disconnected from your body, this technique uses deep pressure to help you feel grounded.
Stand at arm’s length from a wall, place your palms flat against it
Push firmly into the wall for 10–15 seconds
Notice the sensation in your arms, shoulders and core
Repeat 3–5 times
4. Energising movements
If you feel flat or like you’re moving through treacle, gentle movement helps reactivate your
system.
March on the spot for 30 seconds, lifting your knees as high as feels comfortable
Do arm circles – start small and gradually make them bigger
Dance to a song (even if it’s just gentle swaying with a baby on your hip)
5. Soft gaze
When you’re feeling regulated, this technique helps anchor you in that state using your visual system.
Slowly move your head from side to side, taking in what you can see around you
Soften your eyes rather than focusing intently on any one thing
Mentally whisper the items you notice
Why these techniques work
These aren’t just relaxation exercises – they’re based on polyvagal theory and work by sending specific signals through your nervous system.
They all work from the bottom up – using your body to send safety signals to your brain – rather than top-down approaches that rely on cognitive processes like thoughts or frameworks. This bottom-up approach is particularly important for neurodivergent people, who may find traditional ‘think your way calm’ strategies less effective due to differences in how their nervous systems process information.
Making it sustainable
There’s no magic ‘hack’ that works for everyone, and consistency matters more than perfection. Neuroplasticity – your brain’s ability to change – requires repetition. Even practising these techniques when you’re not stressed helps build your regulation capacity for when you really need it.
Start with one technique that resonates with you and practise it daily, even when things are calm. Notice which ones help you to feel more regulated, and remember that what works might change depending on your state and circumstances.
The bigger picture
Learning nervous system regulation has become essential for me, not just as a parent, but as someone supporting a PDA child in burnout. I need to regulate myself so that I can co-regulate my son.
You’re not broken if these techniques don’t work immediately, or if parenting still feels overwhelming. You’re responding normally to abnormal stress levels. But with practice, you can develop a toolkit that helps you move from survival mode back to being the thoughtful, responsive parent you want to be.
Your regulation matters – not just for you, but for your whole family. When you’re regulated, you can better co-regulate your child, make clearer decisions, and show up as the parent you really are beneath all that stress.
About the author
Amy is mum to a PDA autistic son and creator of the Parent Carer Cheerleading Squad community, supporting exhausted SEN parents with nervous system-informed strategies. Download her free SEN Parent’s 60-Second Reset Kit for even more quick regulation techniques.