“She’s a bossy little madam”
Many caregivers tell me they sometimes hear the word bossy used about their girls with ADHD. It crops up a lot. And it is almost always misunderstood.
Bossy carries different meanings depending on who you are talking about. For boys, it is often seen as confident or “taking charge.” For girls, neurodiverse or not, it is usually a warning sign or red flag for overwhelm, one that is almost always negatively received.
But when you look beneath the surface, bossy is almost never the right word. A recent UK review found that children with ADHD are more likely to feel overwhelmed in fast-changing social situations, especially when they cannot predict what will happen next (National Institute for Health and Care Excellence, 2023). So, when a child feels overwhelmed in regular social interactions they have two choices, one is to retreat physically or retreat into themselves, keep quiet and go unnoticed …..the other is to take control of the situation and appear bossy! However, this is not bossiness. This is anxiety.
How ADHD and unpredictability link together
When you see a child with ADHD trying to take charge of every detail, it is usually because:
• the world feels unpredictable
• unpredictable feels unsafe
• controlling the plan helps them decode things at a pace they can cope with.
• This helps them join in and not miss things .
It is not about power, it’s not about having to be right or dominant, it is not about telling others what to do, it is an attempt to slow the world down so their brain can keep up.
Why children reach for control
Children with ADHD process information differently to neurotypical children. Sometimes, especially those with inattentive traits, process information more slowly missing important bit out. Others take in far too much information and lack a filter, this means that their working memory is quickly filled to the point of overflowing which means things slip and they miss important details. Social situations or team work where this are multiple opinions, can move faster than their brain can track or process the information needed . If they do not know:
• who is doing what
• when something will start or end
• what the rules of the game are
• how loud or busy it will get
• what happens if plans change
their anxiety rises. Control becomes a tool. Not a tactic.
In clinic, I often hear the same patterns. Caregivers describe children who “take over” play or choose the bedtime routine or decide who walks them to school. It can feel intense and in some cases manipulative and personal. But these moments are usually a cry for help. The first sign that things are feeling too much.
What this looks like in real life
These are the behaviours caregivers often label as bossy:
• Directing friends’ play
• correcting others for “playing wrong”
• telling siblings what to do
• choosing who says goodnight first
• deciding who takes them to school.
Always wanting to be the team leader in group work
To an outsider, it can look like selfish and dominating . But when you ask the child why they wanted to be in charge, the answers are rarely about control for its own sake.
Children tell me things like:
“I like it when everyone talks one at a time.”
“I cannot follow when it all happens at once.”
“I get scared I will do it wrong.”
My own child with ADHD shared that they only like being the “leader” in group tasks at school. When I asked why, the answer was simple. “If I listen to everyone one by one, I know what is going on. If they all talk at the same time, I panic, I miss things and I get overwhelmed. It’s not because I want things my own way, I just want to be able to hear things clearing”
That is not bossy. That is protection.
How caregivers can support predictability
When you understand the behaviour through a neurodiverse lens, everything softens. The child is not being difficult. They are trying to stay regulated.
You can help by building:
- predictable routines.
- clear boundaries,
- calm, steady language.
- visual cues or simple steps.
- chances for choice within limits.
- using fewer words. Long explanations never work – get to the point
- plan , plan play dates with things to do if needed.
- practice and support them in safe environments like home NOT to be in charge of a game or movie night.
- help them feel the feeling of unpredictability when they are safe to practice. “I wonder what it would feel like if your sibling decided what you baked this afternoon.
This gives the child the predictability they are asking for without putting them in charge of everything.
One last thing
Celebrate our “bossy” girls. They are advocating for themselves by being “bossy”. They may not have all the skills yet to do so diplomatically or without offending other, so teach them those skills, because taking charge and being a leader is a quality that should be celebrated.
About the Author
Gee Eltringham is a SEN psychotherapist and the founder of ADHD toolkit, twigged. For more information visit https://gettwigged.com/