I took to Tik Tok (yes, really!) this week to talk about one thing that really frustrates me. Well, actually a few things but they’re all in the same vein. And that is, the fact that every time my husband watches my son, I get comments like this…
‘Oh, he is hands-on…’
”Is dad helping out?’
‘Isn’t he good?’
Or if I’m out and my son isn’t with me, I’m met with a concerned ‘Where’s Jude?’ as if I’ve somehow left him behind in a shop and not realised; rather than the odds of him being with the other 50% of his family and the man who actually is his father.
This week, I’ve been stressed. Trying to juggle the different aspects of my business (including this site!) with childcare as my parents are away. We also have speech therapy where I try to do lots of one to one time with Jude because of his speech delay so I feel guilty if I try to work with him around (which, let’s face it, despite what the freelancer dream sells you, is also bloody impossible so let’s stop telling mums they can work without childcare). Yet, I am constantly told how amazing my husband is if he takes over whilst I try to get some work done.
I scrolled Instagram that evening and saw so many gushing posts about fathers,
‘I love him even more now he’s a dad.’
‘He’s so good with him/her.’
‘He helps out so much.’
These may well be true and I’m not saying we shouldn’t say those things. But it hit a nerve because I wondered, I really wracked my brain as to whether I’d EVER heard a father gush about his child’s mother in that way. If I’d ever heard my husband praise me for switching a job around and ‘helping him out ‘when he had overtime. Whether anyone asked where his kid was when he returned back to work after two weeks of paternity leave (which is also a disgrace but a whole other article). Whether his colleagues said ‘Oh isn’t she good for watching him whilst you return to work.’ or ‘Oh she’s so hands-on,’ isn’t she?
I knew the answer was no. Not least because it’s rare for anyone to even consider that a father might be juggling parenthood with a career just like mums are. But also, in truth, we as a society set the bar so low for fathers that looking after their child is praised heavily rather than expected as the done thing. Just like we set the bar so high for mothers; who are simply expected to look after their child and juggle a career-and let’s face it probably aren’t praised for either of those things also.
This isn’t actually just the fault of men because it is mums who use this language too; as I spoke to explained…
“I’m a working mum and I often have to run groups where other mums have commented ‘who is looking after your son while you’re here. When I say he’s with his dad, I’m surprised at how many mums will say ‘oh it’s great he’ll babysit.’ My reply is always: ‘He’s not babysitting, he’s parenting,” explains Julie Leonard, a life coach from Scotland.
“When my husband goes to work in his orchestra, no one ever says’ whose looking after your baby today?’ but when I do a concert, it’s the first thing I’m asked,” explains Lucy trebleandtrumpet.com
Katie, who runs baby-led weaning site Scrummy Tummies agrees: “How can a dad be babysitting his own child? They are just as much their responsibility as they are mums.”
“My little girl has just started reception and a whatsapp group has just been created-it’s all mums; literally not one one dad. By day 3, I’ve had enough of relying messages and have added my little girls dad to the group and made him introduce himself. I refuse to spend the next year relating messages-it’s not just my job!” says Lianne Carolan who runs Sienna Apparel.
Of course, this doesn’t just effect mums. There are stay-at-home dads, single dads, and dads who do more childcare, and they’re equally met with confusion and derision and made to feel strange for doing so. One user on TikTok user told me about how a teacher at her baby class made the whole class give a round of applause to the dad who attended with his child. Another on Facebook explained: “My husband took sole parental leave when our little girl was born-The focus in services is often mum and baby so it can feel isolating for dads,” explains Alyssa whose husband runs @thisteachercanhelpyou
“My husband has been a stay at home dad to our five year old daughter ever since she was born. I didn’t take maternity leave as I run a couple of businesses-the difficulties he faced included comments from our friends and family (well-meaning but but pretty sexist) being made to feel uncomfortable if he took her to mum and baby groups, comments from strangers in the supermarket when trying to calm his crying baby…the list is endless. Daddy daycare is the most awful, awful phrase!” explains Sarah Cooper who runs NapNap mats.
So what is the solution? Well one is to keep challenging these notions every time they come into conversation.
That also includes things like school and nursery-rather than just assuming they’ll ring mum instead of dad “We set up a joint email address so any correspondence related to the kids can go to both of us, not just one,” explains Rhian Thompson who runs Bibevie.
But also things like antenatal classes play a part. “When our kids were babies, my in-law would congratulate my husband every time they saw him change a nappy-it was enraging!” explains Victoria Warnes, who is the founder of Our Baby Club; modern antenatal classes that are informed, informal and inclusive. “Women and men need to keep talking about this in order to normalise it-I believe parents deserve better; our approach is that by having conversations like this, we potentially reduce the risk of things like postnatal depression.”
So the next time someone makes these comments, we-both mums and dads-need to keep challenging them and reminding people that no actually, it’s not babysitting, it’s not daddy day care and it’s not ‘helping out’; it’s called being a parent.
I actually had someone ask me today about how my husband was with the kids ‘when they were small’. They are still only 7 and 9 today, but anyway. They meant the baby/toddler years.
So did he occasionally spend time with them, they wanted to know. You know, play with them for an hour or so, once in a while?
The question really confused me. I mean, yeah, sure. Of course he did, he’s their dad. Occasionally spending an hour or so with his kids would be far less than the bare minimum. I may be the stay at home parent, but he is still the other actual parent, not the cool uncle who drops by once in a blue moon, plays with the kids, and hands them back to their mum when they start crying.
The whole thing put me in mind of some well to do Victorian family who leaves the whole business of child raising to their governess, with mum dropping in a few times a day to oversee the project, and even dad, a great exception among his peers, occasionally visiting the nursery.