At the Start of Selective Mutism Awareness Month, Lucy Nathanson, Selective Mutism Specialist & founder of www.confidentchildren.co.uk, writes about how to support children with Selective Mutism.
Imagine being a child who has so much to say, but in certain situations the words cannot come out.
This is the reality for children with selective mutism (SM), an anxiety-based condition where a child can speak comfortably in some situations but finds speaking impossible in others.
A child with SM may chat, joke, and express themselves freely at home, yet become silent at school, around unfamiliar adults, or in situations where they feel under pressure. This silence is not a choice, and it is not a sign that a child is being rude, stubborn, or simply “too shy”.
For these children, anxiety can trigger a freeze response that makes speaking feel impossible.
Many people imagine selective mutism as a child who never speaks outside the home, but it is much more varied than this. Some children cannot speak at all in certain environments, while others may speak quietly to a trusted friend but not to adults. Some children may even answer questions in school, but only with enormous effort. This is referred to as low-profile selective mutism. These children can be particularly easy to miss because they appear to be managing. They may force themselves to respond when expected, e.g. to the register, but they cannot communicate freely – they are coping with a high level of anxiety.
Selective mutism is not only about speech. Anxiety can affect many everyday situations. A child may find PE, drama, eating around others, unfamiliar activities, or using the school toilet overwhelming.
This is why recognising selective mutism early matters. A child who cannot communicate when they are distressed, frightened, unwell, or unsafe may be vulnerable. I have heard from families whose children have been unable to tell adults they needed help in important moments, because anxiety made speaking impossible.
Children with selective mutism are often described as polite, quiet, or well behaved. While these qualities may be viewed positively, they can also mean a child’s needs go unnoticed. A child who is not causing disruption may still be experiencing significant internal distress.
Without appropriate support, selective mutism can continue beyond childhood and affect confidence, friendships, education, work, and relationships. The encouraging news is that with understanding and the right strategies, children can make progress.
Lucy Nathanson, Selective Mutism Specialist
The first step: remove the pressure
One of the most helpful things adults can do is take away the expectation to speak.
Questions like “Why aren’t you talking?”, “Can you say hello?”, or “Use your words” are usually intended to encourage a child, but for a child with SM they can increase the pressure and make communication feel even harder.
Instead, adults can create opportunities where communication feels safe.
This might mean:
- accepting gestures, pointing or writing as valid communication;
- offering all children different ways to participate so a child with SM is not singled out;
- avoiding situations where a child is unexpectedly asked to perform or speak;
- allowing time for relationships and trust to develop.
Building confidence through small steps
The aim is to reduce anxiety so communication becomes easier over time.
Progress usually happens gradually. A trusted adult in school can play a key role by building a positive relationship without making speech the focus. It is important to take a graded exposure approach by supporting children in small manageable steps.
Creating a supporting environment
All adults around the child need to be briefed on the do’s and don’ts of Selective Mutism (a do’s and don’ts summary sheet can be accessed on the freebie section of the Confident Children website).
Equally, classmates can be briefed to include the child without expecting responses and avoid showing a big reaction if the child does speak.
Working together: families and schools
The strongest support happens when adults work as a team.
Parents and carers know their child best. Sharing what helps at home, what situations feel difficult, and what causes anxiety can help schools put the right strategies in place.
Some children benefit from using recordings of their voice as a stepping stone. A child who can speak comfortably at home may record themselves talking and gradually share this with trusted people outside the home.
Supporting a child with selective mutism requires patience, empathy, and consistency.
When adults understand that selective mutism is driven by anxiety rather than choice, they can create the conditions where confidence, connection, and communication can grow.
Further resources on Selective Mutism.
For free resources, including transition tips and a summary sheet of SM do’s and don’ts, see: www.confidentchildren.co.uk/freebies
Confident Children offers free content and resources on their YouTube Channel, Facebook and Instagram.
See SMiRA: www.selectivemutism.org.uk