How to communicate with your toddler during an epic tantrum

Words:Janthea Brigden

Whenever I’m asked about toddler tantrums, I have a vivid memory of my aunt standing over my little cousin in the high street and wringing her hands imploring. “Oh Amanda darling, please don’t have a tantrum, not here Amanda, please!” I was only ten at the time, but even I could tell that Amanda, who was going for it big time, had no idea that my aunt was even speaking!

There are more neural pathways from the heart to the head brain than from the head brain to the heart and, although the head is supposed to be the seat of logic and reason, the unconscious mind directs about 90% of our behaviour! It’s not surprising then, that sometimes we are literally flooded with so much feeling that the thinking part of our brains aren’t able to engage and we feel emotionally overwhelmed. This is sometimes scary for adults, so for little ones, who haven’t been through the experience enough times to recognise that their body will eventually recover, the state of sobbing uncontrollably or screaming with anger, being unable to breathe and feeling physically sick, is terrifying.

So what can we do to help our children?

Forget trying to reason, cajole or threaten – it simply won’t work! It’s impossible to reason with anyone, regardless of age, when they are in emotional overwhelm. Many training courses for dealing with customer complaints explain this and emphasise the need to acknowledge the customers feelings before attempting to deal with the problem and yet we often try to reason with, offer long winded explanations, or tell toddlers off, when they are completely incapable of listening. It’s not that they are being ‘naughty’ or ‘defiant’, they simply can’t manage the emotional overwhelm which is similar to having a panic attack.

Only once we are calmer and feel safe again can we can start to think more rationally.

Pick your battles. A supermarket or busy café is not the best place to take on a toddler!

Blood curdling screams reverberating around a supermarket or café with everyone turning to stare is a parent’s nightmare. Distraught and embarrassed parents try every trick in the book to stop their child from screaming, invariably giving them what they wanted in the first place.

Involve them in whatever you are doing. Hand eye co-ordination, motor skills and even basic reading as they recognise the packaging, are all learning opportunities in a supermarket. At home, think of tasks they can help with, cleaning, putting things away, holding socks, pegging things on the line, fetching things. Toddlers love to feel important!

Use ‘positive phrasing’. It’s hard for people of any age not to feel criticised when told they are doing things wrong and a toddler’s life is full of “no, don’t, stop, leave it, get off”!

Try telling your toddler what you DO want them to be doing, rather than what you don’t.

The brain works in pictures so “stop running” gives them a mental picture of themselves running and it’s hard for them to filter in the ‘stop’. “Walk” sends a picture of them walking and ‘’walk like a spaceman or a tortoise” will have a miraculous effect!

Redirect their energy by seeing the learning opportunity in everything they do. Make a cupboard just for them, to pull things in and out of. Fill it with pots, pans, wooden spoons and ‘real’ things. Water play, togged up and using a garden hose, gets a task done with fun. Throwing things is potentially painful, so find some targets or buckets and remember you might have an Olympic champion in a few years’ time!

Breathing exercises are great to practise with toddlers in calm moments, so you have a useful tool when they are panicking. Imagine you are holding a bunch of flowers and sniff them hard, then open your hands as though you were holding a plate with a birthday cake and blow out the candles. Say ‘sniff the flowers, blow out the candles” in a gentle rhythm several times. This helps manage your own feelings at the same time.

Stay in a place of love to support your child. Acknowledge the feelings of rage and despair, soothe, comfort and let them know that they are safe. Offer a cuddle and if met with a rebuff, let them know that, when they are ready, the cuddle is waiting.

Be an ‘anxiety detective’ rather than a disciplinarian and look out for signs that your toddler is becoming anxious so you can remove the trigger. All negative behaviour stems from anxiety about something, the trick is to work out what!

The Language of Love by Gary Chapman talks about the five ways we show our love to others, words of affirmation, quality time, receiving gifts, acts of service and physical touch. It’s worth taking the quizzes to see which are your own and your children’s preferred love languages, as clashes can be averted by understanding these.

Remember that all the people in the supermarket or the café are strangers you may never see again, but the distraught, screaming toddler on the floor, is the child whom you love and want to build a positive, lifelong relationship with.

Finally, manging emotions takes a lifetime of learning and expecting a toddler to be able to do it when many of us are still learning is unrealistic.

Janthea Brigden is the creator of Nipper Cards, affirmation cards for children which you can buy on Amazon here.