Words-Cat Strawbridge,
Hi, I’m Cat, mum to my IVF daughter Wren. It took 6 years with multiple rounds of fertility treatment and sadly pregnancy loss before we finally held her in our arms – our little miracle! Following this long journey to pregnancy I now support others in similar positions, so when New Zealand announced their law change making 3 days miscarriage leave compulsory for all employers I was both delighted at the recognition and also sceptical because alone, this is not the answer. Here’s why…
My missed miscarriage
New house, new baby they say! December 17th 2014 – I’d never been happier to be a living cliché. Albeit following several rounds of fertility treatment but still, we were there, pregnant, moving into a do-er-upper!
Sadly on 23rd December, the walls came tumbling down, and not in the way we had planned. At a routine scan we were told there was no fetal pole. The embryo had implanted but stopped growing within the first couple of weeks. My body hadn’t realised. A missed miscarriage.
With Christmas imminent there was little the hospital could do. We’d have to wait until after the holidays when they could book us in for a procedure to have the pregnancy removed. Four days later I began experiencing horrific diarrhoea and vomiting. I was in agony. Anticipating it was the miscarriage but with no idea what to expect we drove straight to the hospital where I was kept in overnight. My body was discarding the pregnancy ‘naturally’.
Losing that baby, one that we had tried for 2 years for, was devastating. I hadn’t told work I was having treatment. I was ‘lucky’ enough to be senior enough not to have to account for my whereabouts every moment of every day. Instead I made up for lost work time due to appointments and scans in the evenings. Then the miscarriage happened during the Christmas holidays. As far as work knowing, I could have ‘got away with it’. But I felt really wobbly going back to work two weeks after we had received the initial news and a week after my hospital stay. For fear of breaking down mid meeting or losing it with someone over something ridiculous just because my hormones were all over the place – and the grief, the overwhelming grief – I decided to tell HR.
New Zealand’s decision to make miscarriage leave mandatory but we need to do more
We recently celebrated New Zealand making it mandatory that all employers allow employees 3 days off following a miscarriage. It is to be lauded that pregnancy loss at any stage is now recognised and those experiencing it will be supported in this way. But when losing a life, is three days enough? The answer is no, but that’s not to say the time off isn’t great. However, I believe that as important as the time off is training for staff and managers on the true cost of miscarriage. The marks left that will not be washed away with three days at home. The hospital stays and recovery, the scan and due dates we have etched in our heads that come and go without recognition. We remember them and there have been many tears silently shed by employees in office toilets.
The psychological effects of miscarriage are significantly longer lasting than the physical signs usually are. So whilst I applaud this law change I know there is still more to be done.
I’ve had two further miscarriages since my first. Both following rounds of IVF. One was a twin pregnancy and we were lucky enough in this case to give birth to our other twin, our little survivor. Each and every story of pregnancy loss I hear through my work supporting those who are trying to conceive, finally pregnant or parenting is different which is yet another reason why training, understanding and empathy will make this mandatory three days go a lot further. I hope that the progressive New Zealand we see add this in for all employers too. I also hope when other countries follow suit with this necessary time off outside of sick pay, that they too recognise how best they can support not only those experiencing the loss personally, but also the people around them too.
Having travelled this long journey to parenthood and the anxious pregnancies following miscarriages I now support those finally pregnant after infertility and loss. You can find me on Instagram, I host the Finally Pregnant podcast, run a community for women who are finally pregnant and parenting and so much more. Head to catstrawbridge.com for further information.